Chapter Text
At first, the pain in his hands was sensational. He missed the feeling of agony as he cut his wrists, blood trailing down his arms.
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“I hate you.”
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“Yes, I know.” He didn’t realize tears had started to bubble at his eyelids until all he saw was bloodshed in his field of vision. Regret stung him like a bee, already telling him to stop. “I’ve gone too far.”
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“You’re a f*cking fa*g.”
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“Yes, I know,” He repeated in heartbreak, digging deeper into the veins in his skin. “I don’t want to feel anything anymore.”
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“This is why she killed herself.”
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“No,” He relented, pausing his torture for a second before continuing. “She died in a fire, not because of something I did! She said it herself!”
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“Maria Di Angelo hated herself, but she hated you more.”
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Maria was an odd case, her doctors used to say. She didn’t name the other personalities in her head, nor did they have individual histories. Instead, all three Marias stuck together to make Nico’s life absolute Hell. She didn’t acknowledge the fact that he was hurt; traumatized, even. Bianca was different. She was always different.
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“How would they react now, seeing you hurt yourself again? You’re pathetic.”
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Everything was blurry, his throat was clogged with bile. If he had spoken or uttered in protest, the voice would only fight harder against him.
“Why am I like this?” Nico choked on tears, covering his eyes with the bloody wrists. “I’m not weak! I shouldn’t be doing this!”
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“Admit it, you just want to die.”
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“No, I have so much to live for!” Nico objected. “I’m not like her!”
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“Kill yourself. You’d be doing everyone a favor.”
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Last summer, Nico was hit hard by depression. Jason and the others couldn’t help him contain the demons in his mind, so he mostly ran free without an ounce of sanity. Bianca acknowledged his mental illness, but Hades couldn’t care less. It was all ‘just a phase’, as he said. All he wanted to be was understood.
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“Nobody will ever love you. You’re weak.”
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During Middle School gym class, a dodgeball hit Nico hard in the forehead. He fell to the ground, grasping his head while the kid quietly apologized. The gym teacher had rushed to his side, but not inspecting his head. Instead, his eyes were practically glued to the exposed scars on his midsection. The school later asked if he’d been abused. For his own safety, Nico briefly shook his head.
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“Will never came back because of you. He hated you.”
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At the mere age of six, Nico and Will were inseparable. Nico had never bonded with another kid so easily. As time progressed, Nico felt like he could actually trust Will with his life. Then again, they were only kids. The day before Will left Italy forever, Nico and him shared a long embrace. “I’m going to miss you,” He’d said.
Nico slid gingerly onto the floor, leaning his back against the cabinet. His face rested gently on his knee with cross arms shielding his cheeks as the tears continued to flow. “I hate everything.”
For as long as he could remember, Nico Di Angelo was the most f*cked-up kid in existence. No other child had endured the level of trauma or heartbreak compared to him. It wasn’t like he took pride in that, either.
Bianca knocked gently against the bathroom door, her soft voice filling Nico’s ears. “Nico, you’ve been in there forever. What’s taking you so long?”
He opened his mouth to speak, but only a sob escaped his lips.
“Can you unlock the door for me?” Bianca offered calmly.
He shook his head, although Bianca couldn’t quite see it.
“Nico, is your phone on you? I’m calling Jason,” Bianca announced, gripping the device in her free hand. “I can call him on my cell, too.”
“No!” Nico cried out, the words caught in his throat. “Don’t tell Jason about this! I don’t want to worry him!”
“Nico, I’m just going to sit down by the door and talk to you.” Bianca squatted beside the door, tapping a familiar pattern into the doorframe. “Can you tell me what’s on your mind?”
He didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling or how to put it into words. “It’s okay,” Bianca soothed. “Take your time. I’m listening no matter what you say. I won’t be mad.”
“I’m so ugly, imperfect, dumb, and all I am is a menace!” Nico slurred his words, almost resembling a drunken high schooler.
“Why would you say that?” Bianca questioned gently. “You’re beautiful, Nico. Even with all your scars. Anyone who says otherwise can go f*ck themself.”
“It’s true,” Nico sniffled. “I just want to be normal, Bia. Mama didn’t give me a chance to be normal!”
She paused. “So you’ve been thinking about mama? Is that why you’ve been more sad lately?”
“Yes.”
“She said a lot of bad things about us,” Bianca agreed. “Her split personality added to her ego, and she wasn’t a very helpful person. She only said those things to drag you down. The only thing they wanted was to break you, Nico. Don’t let her be right.”
“But she is-”
“Stop it,” Bianca cut him off. “You’re the most beautiful, kind, and loving person I’ve ever met. Nobody has ever understood me more than you. Nico, she didn’t understand what love was. You can’t blame yourself for her ignorance.”
“I just hate myself,” Nico admitted, lifting his head to stare at the wall in front of him. “I don’t deserve your praise.”
“Yes, you do,” Bianca remarked. “Please, let me come in. My beautiful baby brother needs a hug.”
Placing her phone back into her pocket, she fiddled with the doorknob. Hearing a click, Bianca slowly creaked the door open. Her broken brother sat beside the cabinets, blood dripping down his clothes.
“Nico,” She breathed, bending down to embrace his warmth. “We need to get you cleaned up.”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You slit your wrists,” Bianca reminded him, rolling up his sleeves to spot bloodied marks. “f*ck, I can’t help you very much with only one arm.”
“It’ll heal.” Nico pulled his arms away from his sister. “They’ve healed before.”
Nico sat on the counter while Bianca attempted to heal his wounds. She wasn’t very handy with medical supplies and neither was her brother.
The pain lingered as he sat there, waiting for all the Hell to be over with.
“Nico, Bianca!” Hades shouted up the stairs. “There’s a kid here who wants to see you two!”
They froze, staring down at Nico’s cuts. “I’ll go see who it is and shoo them away,” Bianca promised, dashing out of the bathroom before hearing Nico’s protest.
She stammered at the sight of Will Solace holding a roll of bandages and painkillers. “Will? What are you doing here-”
“You butt-dialed me,” Will explained. “My mom’s a doctor. Please let me help.”
Will settled in the bathroom with the bandages, much to Nico’s surprise. None of the teens spoke a word, and they didn’t need to. Will suddenly knew why Nico had been caught crying at the second study session.
“How long have you been doing this?” Will broke the silence with the question.
“I stopped a year ago,” Nico muttered. “This was a sudden type of thing.”
He applied ointment to the cuts, and Nico winced at the feeling. “f*ck, I didn’t miss that feeling.”
“Good,” Will scowled. “It’s not good for your physical or mental health.”
“Thanks, Doc,” Nico mocked. “Shouldn’t you be at the football game?”
“It starts in an hour and a half,” Will shook his head. “I don’t have to be there for 45 minutes. You needed help, so I came.”
“Thanks for this, by the way,” Bianca thanked the boy, gesturing towards my fractured wrist. “I couldn’t exactly do it myself, anyhow.”
“Don’t mention it.”
